Premarital Counseling for Nonreligious Couples

Premarital Counseling for Nonreligious Couples: Tools for Love, Growth, Connection and Commitment

Photo credit: Hayley Anne Photography

From Permission to Reflection: A Sovereign Approach to Premarital Preparation

In my experience, couples who are having a nonreligious wedding ceremony and hiring a nontraditional wedding officiant don’t tend to seek out premarital counseling.

That’s because the phrase “premarital counseling” evokes a clergy-led process - where a priest checks off a list that permits you to, or prevents you from, getting married. This is a process that robs couples of sovereignty and self agency, and puts the authority in someone else’s hands.

Understandably, many nonreligious couples opt out, assuming it’s not relevant to them. 

But there are other ways to prepare for your marriage. Couples therapy, relationship skill building, and self-directed premarital reflection are very different approaches. They’re about empowering couples to understand themselves better, have the difficult relationship conversations now rather than later, and co-create their future with intention.

These approaches are meant to support you in making relationship decisions with clarity, honesty, and care. They’re grounded in self-understanding and emotional maturity. They allow you to take ownership of your own growth, and prepare for marriage on your own terms, so that you can create something lasting and real together.

It doesn’t matter how much you love each other or how well suited you are. Relationships require tending. And the sooner you begin tending them with skill and intention, the better off you’ll be.

Most of us weren’t taught how to navigate real relationships. The toxic myth of "happily ever after" has left many people unprepared for the ordinary ebbs, flows, failures and drifts of long-term love.

It won’t always be 70 degrees and sunny in your relationship, so knowing how to surf the waves is best practice

Below are some resources to help you step into marriage with clarity, courage, and open eyes.

💍 Recommended Resources for Modern Marriage Support

Whether you're deep in premarital counseling or just want to build a strong foundation for your future together, these books, podcasts, and programs offer insight, guidance, and real tools for relational resilience. Please note there are some affiliate links in this post.

🔶 Relational Intelligence & Emotional Maturity

📘 We Do by Stan Tatkin
A powerful guide to creating secure-functioning relationships using neuroscience, attachment theory, and mindfulness.
👉 Learn more at The PACT Institute

📘 Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terrence Real
Terrence Real invites couples to step out of blame and into a connected “we” consciousness.

📘 The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real
This book invites couples into a bold new paradigm—one where women are empowered to initiate real change in their relationships, and men, with the right kind of support, are encouraged to rise and meet that change with heart, presence, and accountability.
👉 Also check out his work on male depression and relational recovery.

🔶 Love, Sex, and Intimacy

🎙️Esther Perel

Internationally renowned psychotherapist and Mating in Captivity author exploring intimacy, eroticism, and the complexity of modern love.

• 🎧 Where Should We Begin? — A podcast about what really happens behind closed doors.
  Step inside the therapy room as real couples navigate raw, unscripted conversations about love, betrayal, trust, and desire

• 🎤 TED Talk: The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship — A provocative talk about why eroticism fades, and how we might reclaim it.

📺 Jaiya

Somatic sexologist and creator of the Erotic Blueprint system.

• 📘 Sex, Love & Goop (Netflix) — A sensual, science-meets-soul docuseries guiding couples through deep sexual healing and reconnection. Jaiya’s work opens up new pathways for desire, safety, and pleasure.

🔶 Self-Awareness & Personal Growth in Partnership

📘 How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo
Mindful loving through the five A’s: Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, and Allowing.

🎧 The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships
Alain de Botton’s brilliant interview on the On Being podcast—real talk about expectations, maturity, and the everyday labor of love.

📘 Gene Keys – Venus Sequence by Richard Rudd
A poetic, psycho-spiritual approach for those seeking to understand, take responsibility for, and transform deep relational grooves and patterns.
👉 Explore The Gene Keys for deeper self-inquiry.

🔶 Therapeutic Approaches

📘 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Work by John Gottman
A practical guide for couples from one of the world’s leading marriage researchers.
👉 Dive deeper into his methods at The Gottman Institute

📺 Couple’s Therapy (Showtime)
Watch real couples bring their gnarliest, crunchiest triggers and challenges to the surface to be transformed with a grounded, attuned therapist. Raw, intimate, and deeply human.

Building a Foundation for a Lasting Relationship

Whether you're planning a nonreligious wedding with hundreds of guests or eloping alone in the redwoods, investing in premarital counseling or some form of conscious coupling work can be a powerful act of preparation. You might think “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” but doing this work is about building a relationship that’s honest, equipped and unbreakable - it’s meant to support you in the long term. This kind of relationship preparation isn’t reserved for traditional and religious couples. It’s for any couple who wants their love to weather change gracefully and deepen over time. If you’re seeking modern marriage support I hope these resources serve as a meaningful starting point for you.

Podcasts & Videos about Love, Proposals, and Marriage

Books and frameworks are amazing, and doing premarital reflection work is brave and wise—but sometimes you just need to hear someone else’s messy, beautiful story, or laugh your way through the wedding planning stress. This curated list of podcasts and videos on weddings, proposals, and modern marriage offers both comic relief and thoughtful insight. Whether you’re in need of a good cry, a belly laugh, or a reminder that love is weird and wonderful, these are for you.