Before You Say “I Do": The Uncomfortable (but Essential) Conversations Every Couple Should Have
You might be skipping premarital counseling because everything feels fine. No red flags, no big dramas, no glaring incompatibilities. So why poke the bear?
But here’s the truth: no one has ever said, “I wish we talked less before getting married.”
Avoiding hard topics now won’t make them disappear later. Sex, money, death, politics, addiction, conflict—these are the tectonic plates beneath every partnership. They shift. They rumble. Sometimes, they quake. And the couples who make it through intact are generally the ones who’ve mapped the terrain before the aftershocks hit.
This post offers a deep dive into some of the most avoided but essential premarital conversations—plus tools, tips, and recommended resources to help you navigate them with openness and respect.
🔥 Sex
Let’s begin with the most magnetic—and most misunderstood—terrain of all: sex.
We live in a world saturated with sexual imagery and innuendo, but actual conversations about real-world intimacy are rare. Expectations, shame, mismatched desire, unspoken needs—these can unravel even the strongest connections if left in the shadows.
Conversations are helpful, sometimes books are too.
Your Blueprint for Pleasure: Discover the 5 Erotic Types to Awaken―and Fulfill―Your Desires by Jaiya is a framework for understanding how you and your partner are erotically wired. It’s not just about sex positions or fantasies—it’s about discovering what turns you on at a deep, elemental level. Are you energetic, sensual, kinky, or something else? Understanding your blueprints can help bridge places of disconnect. And even if the sex is good, understanding your erotic wiring can take your sex life up a notch… or ten!
👀And about porn: it’s time to talk. Whether it’s a non-issue or a private shame, porn can affect relationships in subtle and overt ways. If you or your partner are navigating this terrain, reading Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson is a great place to start.
💊 Addiction
Addiction can shape a relationship in ways that are invisible until they’re undeniable. Whether it’s alcohol, prescription pills, sex, weed, gambling, or screens—anything we habitually use to numb out or escape can create ruptures in connection.
If you or your partner are in recovery, or living with addiction in any form, it’s essential to speak about it openly. What does support look like? What are the boundaries? What’s your relationship to sobriety? What are you willing to tolerate and what’s your non-negotiable?
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but putting it all on the table is a good place to start.
💸 Money
Money isn’t just about numbers—it’s about values, stories, habits, and power.
Debt, spending styles, savings goals, inheritances, income gaps, prenups—these aren’t just financial details. They are the architecture of your shared life.
If you want a guidebook that blends practical finance with emotional intelligence, Bari Tessler’s The Art of Money is gold. She’ll walk you through money dates, gentle budgeting tools, and how to unpack your childhood beliefs around wealth and worth.
💀 Death
Talking about death isn’t morbid—it’s meaningful and necessary.
What are your wishes if one of you gets sick? Who makes decisions? Have you talked about wills, health directives, guardianship, burial vs. cremation? Have you shared your losses and how they shaped you?
Here are a few entry points into this conversation:
📄 Fill out The Five Wishes together—a beautiful living will meets values document.
☕️ Attend a Death Cafe, where strangers gather to talk mortality over tea.
🎥 Watch BJ Miller’s TED Talk, What Really Matters at the End of Life.
📚 Read books like The Wild Edge of Sorrow, The Five Invitations, or When Breath Becomes Air.
Death, when talked about honestly, brings life into clearer focus.
🧠 Mental Health
Every couple should talk about their mental health history and current needs. Anxiety, depression, neurodivergence, past trauma—these are not personal flaws. They’re part of the fabric of many lives and deserve to be named, understood, and supported.
Discuss how each of you tends to your mental and emotional well-being. Are you in therapy? On medication? Do you need alone time, exercise, a support group, spiritual practice?
Knowing how to show up for one another in times of emotional crisis—and what your limits are—is vital. Consider reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb or exploring couple’s therapy even before things feel “bad.”
🗳 Politics
You don’t have to vote the same to love each other well—but you do need to talk about how you deal with difference.
Whether it’s climate change, cancel culture, gun laws, or God, your beliefs are likely shaped by different lineages and lived experiences. It’s easy to demonize or dismiss—but that’s a fast track to resentment and breakdown.
To build a resilient bridge, read The Righteous Mind by Jonathan Haidt together. It offers a research-based lens on why good people disagree—and how to talk across the divide with curiosity, not contempt.
🥊 Conflict
Fighting isn’t the problem. Fighting poorly is.
What do your fights look like? Do they leave bruises or build understanding? Do you know how to de-escalate? Can you repair quickly and honestly? Do you go to bed angry? How are you at forgiving?
Fight Right by the Gottmans will show you how to transform conflict into deeper connection. Because the goal isn’t to avoid all fights—the goal is to fight fairly and well.
💥 How to Talk About the Hard Stuff (Without Blowing Up Your Weekend)
Some tips:
Pick the right time (not when you're hangry, tired, or rushing out the door).
Use tools like the 6 Simple Ways to Talk About Hard Stuff guide on Medium.
Start small. You don’t need to tackle all these topics in one night.
Make it playful. Consider using an app like SuperBetter to gamify growth.
You don’t have to be perfect communicators. But you do have to be brave. Because marriage isn’t sustained by wedding vows alone. It’s sustained by conversations like these.