You Wouldn't Ask Uncle Bob To Do Your Hair Or Makeup... So Why Would You Ask Him To Officiate Your Wedding Ceremony?
Photo credit: Nirav Patel at Nestldown, Los Gatos, CA
Right off the bat I will own my bias. I am in favor of professional officiants. After all, I am one! And not the retired lay person looking for something meaningful to do after retirement kind of officiant, but the kind of officiant who has over two decades of ceremonial training and experience, and who believes in the power of ceremony to transform and renew us.
Choosing someone to officiate your wedding ceremony is a wildly important decision. Because the ceremony comes first in the order of events, it sets the tone for the whole rest of your wedding day. Your officiant is like an emotional conductor, and their energy, poise, ability to hold everyone’s attention, be unflappable when things go wrong, and be steady in the face of big emotion matters, a lot. So while it may seem tempting to have a friend or family member take on this role, there are myriad reasons why hiring a professional officiant is the way to go. (Not to mention the fact that entrusting this role to a relative could be a recipe for disaster. Early in my career a wedding DJ - whose father officiated his wedding ceremony - hired me to perform a surprise “ceremony do over” because his wife was so unhappy with how the ceremony turned out!)
Professional officiants bring expertise and experience to the table. They have officiated a multitude of weddings (I have personally officiated over 300 wedding ceremonies,) and have honed their craft to the point of mastery. They know that ceremony is an art form, they are skilled at creating unique wedding ceremonies, and at delivering them seamlessly. Their experience enables them to navigate challenges with grace and poise (including bothersome ambient noise, microphone malfunctions, tantruming children, drunken and disruptive guests, and rapid shifts in weather,) ensuring that your ceremony unfolds smoothly, even in the face of unexpected curve balls.
A professional officiant will offer you an abundance of creative ideas and original resources, as well as ongoing insight and guidance throughout the entire process, and they will curate a ceremony that reflects your unique vision, values and relationship. (Likewise, they will be non judgemental about your relationship agreements, and respect your spiritual and philosophical sovereignty.) They will also coach you in writing exquisite wedding vows, and help you distill all of the love inside your heart into something honest and essential. Their expertise allows them to create a ceremony that feels like the perfect expression of your love, and leaves an emotional imprint on the hearts of everyone present.
In addition to all of that, a seasoned officiant brings a sense of gravitas, poise and professionalism to your ceremony. Their presence commands respect and attention - not in a way that pulls the attention away from you, but in a way that centers and grounds the whole ceremony and makes you feel present and at ease. They will be dynamic and know how to balance being warm, light-hearted, engaging, and reverential. They will also be well spoken and understand how to use tone and pacing. And they will not be staring down at their officiant-book the whole time. In essence, they will be a gifted public speaker!
On the other hand, having a friend or family member officiate your ceremony (aka uncle Bob!) can pose a whole host of challenges and risks. While their willingness to take on this role may have been born out of love, affection or a sense of obligation, that doesn’t necessarily speak to their competence for the task at hand. As I shared above, officiating a wedding ceremony requires a unique set of skills, including public speaking, knowing how to read a room, a high level of emotional intelligence, and the ability to command everyone’s attention. While your friend or relative may be well intentioned, they probably lack the skill set and experience necessary to do the job in a way that a professional could.
Keep in mind that asking a friend or family member to officiate your ceremony can sometimes strain your relationship with them. The pressure and responsibility of officiating a wedding can be overwhelming, and there is always the risk of mistakes or mishaps occurring. If things don’t go as planned, it could lead to hurt feelings, resentment, or even a lasting rift in your relationship. By hiring a professional wedding officiant avoid putting unnecessary strain on your personal relationships and ensure that your ceremony is done right. (You would not believe how many frantic emails I have gotten from couples whose friend backed out at the last minute due to illness, stage fright, or for some other personal or ideological reason. Those couples were left scrambling to find someone who could step in and save the day, but they often found themselves shit out of luck!)
So, while it may be tempting to have a friend or family member officiate your wedding ceremony, the decision to hire a professional officiant is generally the wiser choice. A good wedding officiant will make sure the ceremony is the most beautiful part of your wedding day and not just a mere prelude to the party.